By min | July 14, 2017, 12:15 PM | Comics & Movies | Link

Jurassic Parks

This week was Dinosaur Week in the Supermega-household. In addition to classics like One Million B.C. and The Giant Behemoth, we watched 4 Jurassic Park movies with various degrees of regret.

Jurassic Park 1: Jurassic Park - It was chockful of bad dinosaur science, but wasn't super terrible. I was left with questions though.

1. Why didn't they tranquilize that velociraptor before transporting it to the park? Who thinks it's a good idea to transport a fully awake raptor? Not the poor gatekeeper guy, that's for sure.


2. Why did they spend so much time on the sick triceratops if they weren't ever going to find out what made it sick?


3. How did the safari hunter guy not realize that when they decided to shut down ALL the power, by "all", they meant yes, the raptor cages, too?


4. Knowing the containment of the carnivorous dinosaurs had failed, why was the old guy sitting in the window-ful cafeteria with all the lights on???


5. Why didn't they use bird DNA for the missing bits?

Other than the girl turning on the lamp when the last thing they wanted to do was draw the attention of the T.Rex, i didn't have too many strong feelings about the characters deserving to be eaten.

Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World: - Julianne Moore's character was so patronizing and annoying. If i had been Jeff Goldblum, i would have left her ass on that island to die. She kept poo-pooing his real and deserved trauma of almost being eaten by dinosaurs and told him she knew what she was doing. About 5 minutes later, she brings a bleeding T. Rex infant back to their research trailer and guess what follows the scent of its missing offspring. Yeah.

After surviving that (Jeff Goldblum, why didn't you just let her fall?), Miss I-Don't-Need-Your-Help continues to wear the blood-soaked jacket as they try to escape the island. Guess who follows. There are just some people you need to break up with and not look back.

Jurassic Park 3: Jurassic Park III - Sam Neill should have just tripped Tea Leoni and William H. Macy when he had the chance. Anyone who walks around a jungle full of carnivores whilst shouting deserves to get eaten. As fnord12 likes to say: I don't have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you.

They were the most horrible people. They caused the deaths of no less than 3 people and still thought they were the good guys. And in the end, because of Tea Leoni, the pterosaurs escape their enclosure and you see them fly past the main characters' plane. Instead of horror, they basically go, "Ha, I guess they're finding a new place to nest." AND THAT'S IT! "People are going to get killed and eaten. Isn't that heartwarming and amusing?!"

Jurassic Park 4: Jurassic World - First off, Chris Pratt, stop taking roles where you are misogynistic and creepy towards women. Please. The whole subtext about "control" between him and Bryce Dallas Howard was just ooky.

Second, the movie was really about parents sending their teenaged and pre-pubescent sons off to be eaten by dinosaurs. Having come to the realization their children have ruined their lives and their relationship, they arrange for the boys to take a "vacation" in Jurassic World without them. At the airport, mom swears they're going to have "so much fun" and after the kids walk away, dad darkly comments, "So much for that last family breakfast." The film wants you to think he's referring to their divorce, but i know the truth. We were told how many pounds of meat the dinosaur park needs to feed its inhabitants just before the kids are put on the plane. I know what's really going on here.

In the end when the parents show up, mom's not crying because she's happy her sons are alive. She's crying because she now has to take them home again.

Oddly, this turned out to be the best of the JP movies because of that last fight between the T. Rex and the Plotosaurus. All the human stuff was shit, but the dinosaur fights...

This trailer is all true: